REASONS WHY IT MIGHT BE HARD FOR KIDS TO TALK

• Told in the past and nothing happened.
• Told in the past and Mom got mad.
• Told in the past, Dad found out and Mom / family got hurt.
• Tried to tell in the past and no one listened.
• Fear Dad will find out and kill Mom / them (he may have threatened this).
• Believe that Dad is omnipotent and will hear them.
• Ambivalence.
• Fear access will be stopped.
• Want extra benefits of seeing Dad.
• Fearful that Dad will go to jail.
• Shame: Protecting Mom / Dad / Family reputation.
• Need to believe that Dad loves them and would not hurt them intentionally.
• May not remember what happened.
• Need to remain in contact with Dad to assess his danger.
• Angry and blame both parents.
• Don’t have the language / words.
• Think abuse is normal.

THE EFFECTS UPON CHILDREN OF WITNESSING WOMAN ABUSE

Relationships with Parents

• Loss of respect for Mom because they see her as weak and ineffectual, she is then unable to enforce boundaries.
• Ambivalent feelings towards both parents, love Dad but hate him for what he does, love Mom but hate her for not stopping the abuse.
• Family relationships become distant / enmeshed versus stable / cohesive / flexible family unit.
• Diminished respect for both parents, don’t want to be like either one of them.
• May become responsible for parents — the parentified child. The child may feel responsible and the parents may treat the child in age / role inappropriate ways.
• May see Dad as emotionally inaccessible and then always be looking for the right time to approach him.
• They may have few direct ways of getting needs met and end up resorting to manipulative behaviour.

Effects on Health

• Somatic complaints.
• Nervous / anxious: a sense that something will happen.
• Short attention span, many children will be diagnosed with ADHD.
• Failure to thrive and / or move through developmental tasks.
• Stress related illness. Illness may be the only time they get any nurturing.
• Confusion between illness and depression, in young children the symptoms may appear quite similar.
• May feign illness as a way to stay home because they want to be home to protect Mom.
• As a way to keep others distant they may not attend to personal hygiene.

Social Effects

• Unable to risk getting to know new kids, few close friendships.
• Can’t solve problems so relationships end.
• Poor boundaries: tries to parent other kids, does not respect others’ privacy, personal space, may be reticent about giving personal info.
• Lack of confidence in own abilities, gives up easily, won’t try new things and is no fun for other kids.
• Sense of not fitting in, mixture of mature / immature behaviour, no one else is like me.
• Competition with siblings.
• Isolated, no one really likes me, afraid of bullies, doesn’t really know how to react to other kids.
• Trouble trusting because of the violation of the primary trust with parents.
• Perception of conflict as being inherently disrespectful, poor to no conflict resolution skills.
• Occupies either a passive or bullying role with respect to other kids.

Effects on Behaviour

• Acting out or withdrawing.
• Over / underachieving: motivation is the issue. Self-esteem relies on external validation so nothing but the very best performance is good enough.
• Passive / aggressive, rarely assertive.
• Care-taking, acting in adult roles.
• Rigid defences: aloof, sarcastic, blaming.
• Nightmares and other sleep problems.
• Age inappropriate behaviour, mixture of mature and immature behaviour.

Emotional Effects

• Scared all the time because the world is an unpredictable place.
• Responsible for the abuse, for parents staying together or separating, to protect Mom and other kids, for keeping the secret, taking care of things ….
• Parents may respond poorly to kids’ feelings, than they don’t learn how to express themselves and don’t feel safe to even try.
• Distorted boundaries: tight or lose versus flexible.
• Weak or rigid personal boundaries.
• Dad is the only one allowed to indulge in self-expression.
• Mom often receives increased abuse for her expressions which may include crying.